Some Random Thoughts

Posted on April 8, 2012

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Jeremiah Graves shared his thoughts about a toy his niece received for Christmas.  Honestly, I have to agree with him: that thing is creepy.  It got me thinking about the toys I had (or was exposed to) as a kid.  Then I remembered the other toys.

I won’t claim that I had a messed up childhood.  I mean, I probably did, considering that I can harldy remember half the stuff my brothers remember; the point is that I don’t feel I had any problems.  But I’ve always been uncomfortable around certain toys.  See, I never owned any of the toys you’ll find below, but I knew what they looked like — from movies and TV; from books and comics; or maybe my friends had them, or maybe my friends were weird and creepy too.  (People who know me or the friends I had as a kid will understand…)

So let’s take a look at the toys that have scarred many a child…

Barbie has always been freaky to me.  I just can’t get over that damnable smile of hers; like she knows some great secret but won’t share it.  But when I came across the pregnant Barbie, I learned that her secrets, however destructive they may be, are nothing compared to the horror that grows inside her belly.  If you’re not completely convinced, just imagine you’re a little girl with questions about where babies come from, and this is how your parents decide to answer them…

 

In trying to hunt down pictures and information about the toys of my childhood, I found a number of references to other bizarre toys of a more modern bent.  I don’t personally find the following unnerving, but since I’m trying to suggest that we think like children, I’m going to take my own advice: if I were a kid again, and I was given this toy to play with, I’d probably develop a few issues with my own toilet-using habits.  Like talking to my poop.  With that image in mind, I think I’ll avoid giving this to my daughter until after we’ve accomplished toilet training…

And now for the scariest toy ever:

Note that the title says “cool vintage monkey.”  I would never describe this piece of devilry as “cool.”  And I like reading Lovecraft.  Seriously, this thing makes my extremities turn cold with pure terror.  Who in their right mind would ever give their child this thing?  It’d be a perfect way to ensure the kid turns into a mass-murderer, if that’s your thing…

Parents, please, I beg of you, before you buy your kid whatever toy you’re looking at, just think back to your own childhood: would you want to play with that thing?

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Posted in: Parenting, Trivia